Astronaut Luca Parmitano
Photo by James Blair

Live music goes to space

Extraterrestrials everywhere are excitedly preparing for the arrival of Luca Parmitano, who will be blessing them with the sweet, sweet sounds of club music next week. For the first time ever, live music will find its way into outer space, and although I’m super jazzed that E.T. can finally get his groove on… Luca who???

The citizens of planet not-earth need to have a serious conversation with their resident promoter because from where I’m standing, which I know is light-years away, this is some bullshit right here. Look, I know Marshmello is busy making s’mores on Fortnite or whatever, and DJ Khaled is busy shouting his own name into a mirror trying to conjure the dead, but that still leaves plenty of high profile names to work through. I mean, I haven’t heard much from Deadmau5 in a while, so I’m sure he’s available. (Come to think of it… has anyone heard from Deadmau5 lately? Someone should check on him…) What about Skrillex? That ‘From First to Last’ reunion sure isn’t paying any bills. How about David Guetta? Actually, scratch that, I wouldn’t wish that one on my worst enemy, let alone an entirely different species.

My point is, this is Kang and Kodos’ first-ever concert, and Marvin the Martian’s long-awaited opportunity to finally show off the break dancing moves he’s been perfecting for centuries. This is a story that will be told to future generations of little green girls and boys out in space somewhere, and no one wants to tell their grandkids their first run-in with live music was with whoever this dude is. (Then again, my first concert was Papa Roach… still better, but not by much.)

On behalf of human beings everywhere, I would like to apologize in advance on behalf of my species. Space, you deserve so much better than Luca Parmitano. And, if you would like proof, just contact me below. I’m willing to offer, free of charge, my services performing covers of ‘90s songs while drunk on rum for five hours straight just to show you what live music is really all about. It’ll be out of this world.*

*My editor specifically requested that I refrain from using this terrible Dad joke but I have decided, against my better judgment, to give him the middle finger and do it anyways. If, consequently, this is the last article I write for The Rodeo, let the record show that I do not regret one word of it. I’m a goddamn rebel.

You can find Luca Parmitano on Twitter and Facebook.

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